There seems to be an unspoken rule that when big things happen in life you’re supposed to write about them, giving voice to your emotions and informing others about the significant impact that change is having on your life.

It’s a version of therapy. An outlet for thoughts that have nowhere else to go. An answer for questions that no one seems to ask.

One year ago I walked away from my job/life/ministry at  TeenPact Leadership Schools. This change was so significant and the condition of my heart so overwhelmed that I just haven’t been able to write about it.

But now it’s time to start putting some closure on this grieving process. You can read it or not; it’s primarily an avenue for me to say the things that have been left unsaid.

 

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Oddly enough, I did not take many pictures that weekend, even though I was surrounded by beauty and beloveds. I was too overwhelmed, I think. If I stopped to snap a photo I was afraid of missing the details of the sights, smells and unspokens. I just soaked it all in.

So instead of a bunch of photos, I have a series of mental snapshots. And a few actual pictures.  There is no way these words encapsulate everything or everyone. Just a meager attempt at capturing the images in my heart.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13

My last day in the office. The power went out so we sat by the windows and watched the rain. It was too dark and too weird and too sad to work.

Ben, Nate, Lauren and Carolyne arrived and we went with Aaron to record two tracks for a TeenPact worship release. Ebenezer the 5lb Gummy Bear got passed around and we discovered that biting off a chunk was better than using a knife.

Beautiful music was recorded late into the night. So amazed by the talent of my friends. It meant the world to be included in this mini-project, especially on the day that I was walking away from it. How I will miss producing those albums.

FRIDAY, JUNE 14

Carolyne and Lauren spent the night with me at the place where I was housesitting. We crawled out of bed and sat on the porch drinking coffee and talking of life and adventures and transitions. So peaceful. So happy.

I pulled into Urban Farmhouse, which had quickly become a favorite local coffeeshop. But this time there were a bunch of people who were not locals, chatting and waiting. Oh these beloveds; they were here! Hugs all around. And then we passed Ebenezer around and around and maybe around again. This crew left to buy party clothes for the ones who didn’t get the memo.

Elise and Ruth and Adam arrived for our progressive “sandwich” dinner adventure. First we went to Can-Can Brasserie where we sat by the open windows and ate creative, classy desserts as the restaurant noise spilled into the street. I’ve always wanted to do that. From there, we of course went to Sticky Rice where tots and hipster sushi satisfied our hunger. And that tot sauce. How I miss it! These three people made my evening so fun, so “this is real-life-friendship” and so happy.

We walked up the stairs of Bottoms Up. There, along the wall with the inappropriate artwork was a long table with 30+ of my favorite people wrapping up their dinner. The room erupted in cheers as I walked in, which reminded me of so many other times this group cheered for random things. I walked around the room and hugged and greeted and just wanted to squeeze each of them all over again. The group migrated to the Canal Walk and we chatted and waited and explored along the river. Walking buddies. Laughter. Arm in arm. So many levels of things going on. Downtown. Starlight. Humidity. River’s rush.

The final stop was Gelati Celesti where 50 people filed through to get local, homemade ice cream. We filled the plaza outside with stories and awkward conversations and running around. I stood amidst the swirl and simply tried to soak it all in. Here they all were — and I wasn’t responsible for any of them! This was ideal. I know they came partly (mostly?) to see each other, but that was okay with me. I was just so happy, so amazed, so humbled to see everyone. If only the clock could slow down and I could absorb everything more fully.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15

Morning breakfast and conversation with Jennifer at Paradise Diner. Stopping by the Board Meeting and being able to hug people and say thank you.

The afternoon was spent at the park. The 2011 girls sat on a blanket and chatted. The 2012 guys went shopping. The Georges were there. The Whatleys arrived as I was leaving. The Cocks’ were playing frisbee. The weather was hot and humid, adding thickness to my perception of the people and conversations swirling around.

In a mad dash, I drove to have Kirstin to do my hair. We chatted as she poked and created. Extended family was in and out. We re-did the style several times. I was late so I ran home.

Stressing about being late, I ran into the house. My room was full of boxes from my office decor. I stepped over clutter and desperately tried to get myself ready for the evening. My new black dress was simple enough to slip into, but I found that I needed to be sewn into it. I called Marybeth. She dropped off her family and came to both sew me into my dress and accompany me into the party.

My heart was beating fast. I was so late. I felt so badly to arrive so delinquently when all these glorious people were in town and had worked so hard to put on the event. There was nothing I could do about it now, but to this day I still feel guilty. Marybeth and I got out of the car and there was Elise and Carolyne waiting for me on the curb. They smiled and complimented and assured me all was well.

Walking in was overwhelming. And a bit awkward. I greeted people. But didn’t know what else to do. Just smile. Relax. Soak it all in. Nate and Lauren were playing live music. Then followed Thomas and Jeremiah, just like the old days. My heart swelled with pride and love. Photos all around. Beautiful food. Globe lights. Fancy dresses.

There was someone from every one of my 8 intern teams and the eras they represented. Several appearances were surprises! And beloved families from around the country. And coworkers. And my family. And the Campbells. And Michael. And so many layers of friends from so many moments in TeenPact. People I never expected to come were there! In the rush of my late arrival I missed much of the precious moments of mingling and catching up. My only true regret.

Nathanael was the MC, which blessed me. People told stories. Some people gave confessions. Gifts were presented. There was a slideshow with live music, which I loved. Although the photos made me realize how ridiculous I am, I was mostly aware how lucky I am to have been surrounded by such amazing people for so long. We had so many good adventures. Also, favorite commercials from over the years played and it was hilarious to hear various pockets of people laughing or cheering from around the room.

My 2013 team gave me a map with hearts on the cities where we are all from. And 20 letters to open over the upcoming year. We were leaving TeenPact together and somehow that fused us together on a very special level.

I sat with my family. How special to have them there, my biggest cheerleaders and greatest supporters. They went through a lot with me all those years. I couldn’t be more grateful. Valen came and sat with me, too. I needed that.

To close, there was corporate worship. We all left our seats and stood in the middle of the room. Clayton, Zac, Whitney and Garrett led. I distinctly remember Clay saying that he felt the next song was for me. It was “Closer” by Charlie Hall. I closed my eyes and felt the Spirit calling me to a summer of rest, starting right then. After the singing, my dad took the mic and read a scripture for me from the story of Elijah pulling away to seek the Lord and be refreshed. Then he prayed for me. There is nothing more special than a father’s blessing.

And then we danced. Starting at 11pm, we went strong for nearly 2 hours. From freestyle with Sarah, to polka with SharaLee, to swing with my brother, to tons of crazy line dances and who-knows-what with a bunch of sweaty guys. When “Party in the USA” came on, Peter Martin joined on the dance floor as he and I have an inside joke about this song. Even better was when Vince, Zac, Clayton and the gang changed the words to “Party for Lydia Shanks.” I love dancing, and I love dancing with these people.

I stayed til the bitter end, saying goodbye and thank you. Then I went to IHOP for a 2am waffle. I took my hair out and could hardly think straight. I was so full of happy and sad and thoughts that I just wanted to sit and smile and observe. I sat at the table with Laura, Janet and Beth. What gems. I went home alone, but with tons of notes and gifts and a full heart.

 SUNDAY, JUNE 16

I got up early and sang at church. Nathan came, most everyone else slept in.

Brunch with the Cocks’, Martins and Elise at Kitchen64. Mmm, chorizo.

Stopped  Chipotle where many beloveds were gathered. Followed this by ice cream at Rita’s. And another round of Ebenezer.

Ended the day at the Watsons, watching the Miss USA pageant. And playing Rock Band. And sitting on the porch with Valen. And letting the beautiful weekend slowly come to an end.

The weekend felt like a mix of both my wedding and my funeral, which is a lucky experience  in the off chance I don’t get to have either. It was a celebration of life and a closing of a chapter. There were tears and there was laughter.

Aaron had said, “I tried to think of what you would enjoy — people, music, dancing, food and photos.” This party weekend was exactly all of those things.

Thank you to Aaron, Tara, Betsy, Serena, Peter and all those who made the party possible. I am still overwhelmed. Thank you to the office crew for being the best coworkers a girl could ask for. Thank you to the Board for believing in me and trusting me all of these years. Thank you to all the amazing people who traveled to be there with me that night. Your presence means more than you know. Thank you to my family, for allowing me to chase the paths God calls me to. Thank you to Elise for being there at NC and again at this weekend. I could not have done it without your friendship, presence, support and intuition. Thank you to everyone who played, sang, served, set up, photographed, spoke, MC’d, hosted, baked and participated. Each of you have made an indelible mark on my life.

To you who boast tomorrow’s gain
Tell me what is your life
A mist that vanishes at dawn
All glory be to Christ