#43days Wasn’t Enough

I was home four days (count’em four) and was keeping in the spirit of my sabbatical by taking significant time to rest and study. I had lunch with my parents. I lay under the stars with Stephanie. I played guitar with the Campbell boys. I failed and then rescued a new recipe. I spent a morning reading about Elijah and Elisha (crazy stuff, btw.) And I played cowgirls with Lucy and Jude where we were on the hunt for the Dread Pirate Roberts.

And now, I’m back on a plane. Heading across the country to Oregon for a conference. Back to the city where I just was a few weeks ago. I guess #43days wasn’t enough for God!

I pulled out my journal and the Lord began to reveal, speak, impart, breathe. It seems that God often speaks to me on planes. Maybe it’s the sitting still or the lack of distractions that makes me a captive audience.

Exactly one week ago I was battling – really fighting – for my faith. I was hearing promises of God but they were bouncing off, unaffective. I could feel my heart growing hard and closed, as if ice were starting to form. That cold, damp, death-like crawl had the stench of Satan. He was trying to block hope and peace and freedom from truly taking root. He was breathing icy lies in an attempt to freeze my heart.

Why can’t I believe these promises? What is keeping me from praying in faith? Why don’t I accept that these blessings from God could be for me? Why do I doubt His goodness? What is wrong with me?

I recalled a quote from a Mark Driscoll sermon in which he said, “Does life ever seem like a freaking war? That’s because IT’S A FREAKING WAR!”

I pulled my car over on a Texas road and texted a few prayer-warrior friends to ask them to pray. Several replied with written prayers within minutes. One called me within seconds. I cried and asked God to fight for me since I could think clearly enough to do battle for my own heart. God met me that day. He calmed my heart and thwarted Satan’s advances.

But it wasn’t until today – on the plane – that I received the hope I have been asking for. You see, God isn’t interested in dispensing blessings like a gumball machine. He wants me to seek Him and to find Him and to learn Him and to love Him and to know Him. This whole thing is about a relationship with HIM, not just getting answers for my future.

I went looking for God’s promises in the book of Isaiah, which is where I found this beautiful verse…

“He will be the stability of your times,
abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.” (Isaiah 33:5)

Then I wrote down this promise God gave me earlier this spring…

“Even to your old age I am he and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made and I will bear; I will carry and I will save.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed and I will do it.” (Isaiah 46:4, 11)

And then it clicked. I think I even smiled in my window seat.

Yet again, this is about GOD. This is not about my ability to understand. Or my capacity to believe. Or my faith level in asking for big things. It has nothing to do with me, actually. It has ONLY and EVERYTHING to do with God.

Matthew preached out of Isaiah 49 this morning at church. I flipped back a few pages in my journal to review the notes. Four promises. Heh. Promises. There’s that word I’ve been struggling with. But all of a sudden, there is hope and life and freedom in the thought instead of paralyzing fear.

Promise #1: I love you
Promise #2: I am at work in your life
Promise #3: Your weakness is a stage for My power
Promise #4: Nothing is impossible for Me

Honestly? Those four promises sum up the progression of my spiritual walk this past year. I have learned each lesson individually but never expected them to come together. God can be trusted because He is who He says He is.

He makes the deals; He keeps the deals. It’s all on Him.

And that’s the beauty and good news of the gospel. I can trust God’s promises but not because I have proven myself to be worthy, smart or godly. No matter what I’ve done, (good or bad) God loves me on the basis of Jesus. And Jesus has perfectly pleased God the Father on my behalf. I bring nothing to the bargaining table but empty hands and a broken spirit.

The Father smiles and says, “Perfect. That’s exactly what I was waiting for.”

Lessons From Oregon

The Willamette Valley in Oregon is easily one of the most peaceful and breathtaking places God created. The rolling hills paint a bluish-green border around the city, highlighted by a handful of brilliant, snow-capped peaks. Everywhere you look there are fir trees, roses, wildflowers and gardens. Wheat whitens and berry bushes offer themselves under the golden sun.

Oregon is the place is where summer becomes a bride, fully arrayed in her best and beautiful hues, making all things lovely as she dances and twirls and sings. She makes the simple moments glitter with sweetness and meaning. My favorite memories these three weeks happened while sitting on back decks, standing on tops of hills, sharing over meals, riding in cars, chatting at cafes and gazing at stars.

In both the busyness and the quiet of these past three weeks, God spoke to me. He used conversations, sermons and personal study to fill my heart with His truth. Simple, golden, sweet – just like an Oregon summer.

Here are some of the truths that I have been pondering:

1) The gospel is still the main thing – No matter what else I learn or hear or say, the gospel is what I always, always, always need. The gospel – the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ – is what frees me from sin, fear of man and isolation. The gospel informs my decisions, my suffering, my future and my identity. Without it’s defining, unalterable truths, I would be lost in my own twisted understandings.

2) God will speak when it’s time – Just as He sent the ravens to feed Elijah, God will provide morsels of truth when I need them. I need not worry or strive. They will come.

3) God is jealous for me – He wants my first, my best, my all and He is willing to pursue my life and alter my circumstances in order to draw me to Himself. What would happen if I directed all of my energies into the one relationship that mattered most?

4) God gives guidance as we move – The Shepherd is always guiding and leading; it’s His initiative and His commitment. My role is to rise and go, walking in what I know to be true and trusting His hand to guide me as I move. I can rest in His character, taking my time in each phase because I know that He will get me where He wants me to go.

5) God redeems pain – Our world is full of broken, cheating, lying, selfish, sick, grieving, angry, uncontrollable people. But there in the midst of the sorrow and wreckage, you’ll find Jesus, our sympathizer and caretaker. He is restoring what has been damaged, healing what has been broken, redeeming what has been lost.

6) God will root out spiritual pride — Our theology or experience can make us proud and blind. How easy it is to hold our freedoms, knowledge or understandings over one another as the banner implanted on the moral high ground. God is in the process of purifying His church. “True church reform doesn’t add layers but rather removes them in order to reveal the original foundation underneath. While false teachers add doctrine and complications, Jesus is rinsing His church off with His word, making the truth about Himself simple and clear.” (Gregg Harris)

I am halfway through my sabbatical. Three weeks down, three weeks to go. I’m amazed at all the adventures and lessons that can be packed into such a short amount of time. Please be praying for me as I continue to rest, wait, seek and learn.

P.S. Feel free to track my travels via photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!

Lord, I Need You

The smooth smell of honeysuckles fills the air as the breeze swings the patio curtains on their rods.

My heart feels congested. So eager to breathe, but still so cluttered. I close my eyes, trying to get the fresh air clear my thoughts. All I get is a whiff of the sweet, summer flowers.

Here, under this little vine-covered nook I was going to write about my heart and questions and needs. But I feel like the Holy Spirit has stopped me and asked me just to be still. To sit. To think. To pray. To cry. To smile. To smell. To wait. To seek Jesus.

“Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You”

At the Corner of Adventure and Fear of Man

We don’t grow unless we make ourselves respond to the opportunity.

I tend to categorize myself as a pretty adventurous person, usually eager to try to new things, go new places and mix up the normal routine. Exploring new cities, cuisines, music, movies, people and ideas are all easy. In fact, I like coaching others to branch out, grow, try, make a memory.

But sometimes I only choose the adventures in which I know am going to succeed. Or when the cost of failure doesn’t seem too steep. Or when people aren’t watching. This weekend I’ve seen some fear of man pooling in my heart, drowning out some of my adventurous leanings.

Yes, I so want to play the guitar with you! I know you’re patient and supportive. If I play I’ll just show you how incompetent I am so maybe I’ll just let you think I’m being humble. Yeah, my nails are too long. And I’m not good enough yet.

Opportunity missed.

I’m a decent catch with frisbee, even if my throw is bad. I’d love to get better and the only way to improve is to practice! But those people are so good; they will just be annoyed with me. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I’m happy to watch.

Adventure wasted.

Why do I have these random moments where I lack in confidence? What is it about other people that makes me shrink back? Even amongst good friends what keeps me from being myself? Who’s responsibility is it to foster a safe environment for adventure and growth? Do I stifle others? Do people around me feel unconditionally welcomed and supported if they want to try something new?

Another opportunity took me deeper into this concept of adventure. This weekend I didn’t make it to the top of the giant sand dune like everyone else. Between my sprained ankle and cantankerous knees, I had to stop shy of the final plateau. But you know what? I climbed higher than I thought I could. And that’s how in my weakness — in the midst of my failure — I found success.

And there, on the warm sand, I faced the Pacific Ocean, closed my eyes in the midday sun and let the cool breeze tease pieces of my hair loose. Amy sat with me. We talked about weakness and value. I told her that when we let anything other than Jesus define our value we will be hurt and disappointed. People, jobs, desires and strength will always fail. Only Jesus is steadfast. Only Jesus sees our true worth. Only Jesus defines what really matters.

Adventure redeemed.

I can’t do everything well… and that’s okay. On my own, I hate being weak and incapable. But God doesn’t value me for musical talent or athletic prowess. He doesn’t even value me for quiet times or sharing the gospel. He sees me through Jesus and that is enough. More than enough. It’s perfect. And that truth changes everything.

Author Ed Welch says this in his book, When People Are Big and God Is Small…

“All experiences of the fear of man share at least one common feature: people are big. They have grown to idolatrous proportions in our lives. They control us. Since there is not room in our hearts to worship both God and people, whenever people are big, God is not.”

And so, I come back to the thought that we don’t grow unless we make ourselves respond to the opportunity. To be adventurous, we have to choose to say yes when we are awkward and uncomfortable. We have to look to God in that moment and let Him be the determiner of our value, not the people we think are watching. We grow because we laugh at the fear of man and decide to be interesting and true instead.

And, of course, “being adventurous” isn’t the greatest goal. But seeing Jesus and being free from fear is surely a worthy cause. And thus being adventurous is merely a vehicle of godliness. It is for me, anyways.

AN OREGONIAN 4TH OF JULY

The sun was shining, the air fresh, the view clear and the wind crisp. If this is Oregon weather, I’m buying a summer home. I simply love the trees, mountains, sky and rolling hills.

I spent 4th of July Eve with my sweet friend, Lauren Reavely. I have come to adore her deep heart, thoughtful eyes, soft curls, eager laughter and passion for life. Lauren and I explored Portland coffee shops, bought exotic fruits, baked a cake, ate on the deck and talked about life and Jesus. The entire Reavely family is full of life, wisdom and creativity; I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them!

While I love 4th of July in Richmond, I was excited to experience it somewhere else. And Oregon was a great choice! We celebrated Adam McDaniel’s graduation, saw old friends, hung out on an airstrip with a vintage plane, drove country backroads, explored Snapchat, played with sparklers and did instant devos during fireworks. I am so grateful for this fun, gospel-centered, loving group of friends here!

One event in the day was unexpected, both in experience and in meaning. Three years ago the incredible Sono Harris passed away on the 4th of July. I’ve met and known various members of the Harris family over the years, and Sono has long been a woman I admired. We stood at her grave yesterday in a simple country cemetery with the summer sun setting over the hill. Her husband, Gregg, has already purchased his headstone and between the two granite slabs these lyrics were inscribed:

It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who’ve found their home with God

O Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You will in Your mercy find
That is is not death to die

I stood there, listening as those who knew Sono talked about her quick wit, her love for the gospel, and her passionate prayers for her children. They talked about fireworks celebrating her independence day, the day she was freed from illness and pain so that she could rejoice in fullness with the Savior in heaven. These kinds of “victory” days are bittersweet because no matter how free they are, we will always have a void that is never filled and a pain that is never healed.

And so the 4th of July grows in meaning for me. I honor the lives of our forefathers who built this great nation. I honor the lives of the men and women in uniform who protect us every day. I honor the legacies of moms, dads, sons, daughters and friends who have gone before us in a blaze of glory, reminding us that Jesus is our life and heaven is our home.

Our independence — whether from the tyranny of sin, governments or sickness — is a mark of mercy given to us by the Father. Praise God for all the freedoms I celebrate today. I am truly among the extravagantly blessed.

TRAVEL UPDATE: July 2

I’ve traveled a lot over the years. I’ve been to 40 states, stayed in dozens of host homes and walked down a thousand jetways.

But today felt different. Even with my frazzled last-minute packing panic (you’d think I would have learned to avoid that) I sensed some kind of cosmic shift in the universe. It was like walking out of a cave and into the bright sunshine after a storm. From the outside, nothing has changed – I am wearing the same clothes, speaking in the same voice and carrying the same bags. But I see differently. Feel differently. View the future differently.

Maybe it sounds dramatic to say, but I really sense that I am walking across a bridge from everything I have known into everything I am going to be. And the next 43 days will each serve as a plank in path that leads to beautiful places. Maybe He really is making all things new.

SCHEDULE OVERVIEW

Here’s my basic itinerary:

July 2-17 Portland, OR
July 17-21 Salem, OR
July 21-23 TBD, OR
July 23-27 Dallas, TX
July 28-August 13 Tyler, TX

Many adventures, roadtrips, friends and bucket list items are on the docket for these weeks. I am so excited!

MY THOUSAND GIFTS: A GRATEFULNESS CATALOGUE

The chance to share my thank you/testimony on Sunday
Introducing “All Glory Be To Christ” to the church with Kelsey
My Community Group praying for me and speaking words of faith over me
Beautiful saints meeting my financial needs with surprising gifts and gestures
A pick-your-dinner and cupcake picnic “LaLa ‘Venture” with Lucy and Jude
Sweet Frog, spider tattoos, wrestling and hugs with Nathan, Caleb and Luke
Late night craft projects with Mom, Marybeth and Stephanie
Brunch, advice and power outages with Paul and Lily
Italian dinner and debrief with Mom and Dad
Kitchen conversations with Andrew and Sara
Coffee with my girls Christina, MaryAnn, Stephenia, Brittany, Kelsey and Riette
Faith-building texts and notes and prayers
Three days in Annapolis with Bethany and Elise + lunches with Lauren and Kate
Three days of laughter, sharing, adventuring and planning with Paige in Raleigh
Chicken wings and conversation at The Feed Store with Cindy in Atlanta
Answered prayers for focus and peace during two days of job interviews
Making my flight and American not weighing my bags
Potstickers and woodland explorations with Shelby

PRAYER REQUESTS

That I would sit still at the feet of Jesus…resting, listening, restoring.
That I would be a life-giving blessing to the people around me.
That God would open up job opportunities for me while I am gone

Ready for takeoff, ready for ‎#43days, ready for all things new.

Hallelujah, Jesus is my life.

Into Beautiful Places

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