Your Love Is My Drug

“Seizures. Feeling nervous or tense. Confusion and depression. Fear and paranoia. Anxiety or panic. Changed senses. Shaking. Pain, stiffness, muscle aches, spasms. Flu-like symptoms. Sleep difficulties.”

These are the symptoms of someone suffering through withdrawal from an addiction to a drug like Xanax, Ambien or Valium. Strangely enough, these are also the symptoms of my own kind of withdrawal. Not to be disrespectful of  actual narcotic addiction by using this analogy, but it somehow makes a crazy amount of sense to me.

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Apparently, I’ve been dependent on peopleserving and money for quite some time.  These are my drugs. When I’ve felt spiritually or emotionally unstable,  I’ve habitually filled my veins with these culturally appropriate opiates. People. Serving. Ministry. Spending money. And because they are seemingly innocent replacements for comfort in Christ, no one caught it. Not even me.  Now I’m seeing how my “addictions” were affecting me — and those around me. I’ve been shocked and grieved and overwhelmed. And I want to change.

Quitting my job last June was like admitting I had a problem.
Being unemployed for six months was like checking myself into rehab.
Now I’m in a very uncomfortable process of detoxing.

As a natural part of my new life in Georgia, I’m being “denied” the things I used to go to for comfort and distraction. To tell the truth, those habits they made me feel good. They made me forget. They propped me up and gave me a sense of purpose and belonging. But now I’ve moved  and I’m still making friends, I’m still plugging into church, I’m still learning my job and I’m on a very tight budget. My go-to’s have been removed. It’s the fresh start I asked for, but I didn’t think it would leave me quite this exposed or needy.

This weekend I found myself reaching for old habits, those emotional narcotics that would numb my senses and let me ignore my actual needs for another day. I grabbed for familiar people, but none were nearby. I groped for a service project to throw myself into, but there aren’t any yet. I craved buying something — anything — just to make me feel legitimate but there is no money in my budget for unnecessary tokens. These things were my crack, and I didn’t have access to them anymore. They screamed at me, demanding fulfillment.

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I sat in my chair, unable to move, afraid of what I might do. My heart was racing, my hands antsy, my muscles tense, my mind reeling. Then I got a text from my sister on behalf of my 4 year old nephew:

“Jude says, ‘love Lala, I hope you come to my house for valentines. I oxoxox xxxx.’ “

It was like the clouds broke for the first time all week. God sent this little guy as an interruption to my introspective paralysis to remind me that I am loved and not forgotten. And that was the beginning of the detox. I decided to go for a drive to clear my head. Alone in the car, I talked and prayed and cried and wrestled with myself. My mind raced, spewing out lies and temptations that I knew were from hell itself.

There’s no time for real recovery. You’re too complicated to fix. You’ll just always be kind of messed up. No one really knows you. You need to learn to deal with life by yourself. Get a grip, you’re a big girl. You’ll be handicapped from ministry forever. Just pull away. Don’t fight. Find a local fix and forget about all this.

Each drug took a turn in tempting me to consume it for solace. But I could feel a fire in my soul, a blazing wall of protection that I knew was coming from the Holy Spirit. I remember saying no to each temptation systematically, choosing Jesus over it’s seductive siren call. God was protecting me from myself. He was fighting for me. He was not letting me go to my old substances for temporary, delusional comfort. He was giving me Himself. He held me in my shakes and sweats and tears and irrational requests. He never let me go.

And then it was over. I felt the fresh air of freedom. Peace. Relief.  The fog lifted and my eyes readjusted. It’s as if the withdrawal had to run it’s course. Jesus won out.

To be controlled by anything other than Christ is bondage. And in our Christian, religious circles it’s usually a small, acceptable thing that we let slip into our lives — wanting to be a good friend, desiring to serve, hoping to make a difference, pursuing excellence, identifying with other people, collecting good stories, having fun adventures, being someone in the Kingdom. These things, left unchecked, become like drugs — controlling, unreasonable lords that demand our dedicated service. They consume us from the inside, convincing us that without them we cannot survive.

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But that’s the lie. All but Jesus leads to emptiness, loneliness and death. Only Jesus offers hope, freedom and life. When “the love of Christ compels us” we put things like people, serving and money under His authority. Because of the permanent victory of the cross, I walk in freedom. Satan would like me to think the he can control me with his tempting vices and sweet-smelling lies, but I belong to Jesus and as my Good Shepherd, He fights on my behalf to keep all enemies at bay. He leads me to beautiful places and His road and staff bring me comfort. I trust His hand because I have learned His heart. Oh how I am prone to wander, prone to distraction, prone to discontentment. But none of these things can control me for Christ has engraved me on His hand. I am His and He is mine. Praise the Lord.

“Now my debt is paid
It is paid in full
By the precious blood
That my Jesus spilled
Now the curse of sin
Has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed”

–Hillsong, from the song “Man of Sorrows”

The Absolute Nothingness of Ashes

ImageAshes represent death. They tell of the end of something that has been destroyed with unquenched fire, changing its very nature into tiny particles of unrecognizable dust. What once was, is permanently no longer. The end. A pile of death. Ash. Dust. Nothing.

I admit, there are parts of my life that have been reduced to ashes. I keep these losses in little jars on the shelves of my heart. Relationships that ended. Friends who died. Opportunities I wasted. Unanswered prayers. Failures. Sufferings of others. Actually, there’s currently a whole shelf just devoted to that one — ashes that represent people I love suffering from cancer, chronic illness, tragic accidents, abuse, divorce, rebellion, pain.

Ashes remind me that this world is broken. And that I cannot fix it. And that makes me mad. I’ve also been storing up boxes of questions in my heart, right next to the jars of suffering. Doubts I dared not entertain, burdens I shouldered alone, punches I was afraid to throw.

During this extended sabbatical I’ve been tackling some of the my compartmentalized questions. A book called “Glorious Ruin” by Tullian Tchividjan has changed how I process suffering:

“God, according to the Bible, is a God who suffers with us and who, in the person of Jesus, suffered for us.  He’s the man of sorrows.  If we needed any proof whatsoever that God is most present in defeat, that God is most present in weakness, all we have to do is look at the cross.  When embraced, the cross actually frees us to be real, to be honest, to be Christian Realists instead of Christian Idealists.  It frees us to call a spade a spade — to say, this suffering is terrible, and this isn’t the way things were intended to be.  It frees us to look forward to the day when every tear will be wiped away, and death and disease will be no more.”

Ashes are literally a pile of loss. The physical representation of the nothingness of dead dreams and hopes and loves. Maybe that’s why Jesus said He was coming to redeem and restore not just “mostly dead” but “completely dead.” Ashes. The absolute nothing. If he can do the impossible in resurrecting ashes, is there anything He cannot do? Jesus speaks hope across time through the prophet Isaiah when He says:

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 
    the oil of joy instead of mourning,
    and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

God likes the nothingness of ashes because it gives Him exclusive rights to the glory for redeeming them. I so badly want to help fix things and reconstruct dust particles; the helplessness of ashes frustrates me.  But Jesus came to free me from the burden of having to be the world’s redeemer. Simply put, I can’t do it. And, as frustrating as that is, it’s actually really good news. I am only responsible to point the world to Jesus, our only hope.

ImageWhile in Oklahoma this summer I visited the national memorial for the Oklahoma City Bombing. A field of chairs overlooks a reflecting pool with each seat representing one of the 168 people killed that day — 19 of them children. You’ll also find the remnant of a broken wall, a fence with notes from the public and many somber spaces for remembering those who died, those who survived and those who rushed in as rescuers. Walking around the memorial I sensed deep grief and fear and anger, all begging the world to never forget the unthinkable, senseless intrusion of evil. My heart was broken.

Just as I thought I couldn’t process anything else, I saw The Survivor Tree. This American Elm witnessed the horrific events of April 19, 1995 and all the unimaginable tears since then. And yet it stands. It survived. Not only is it alive, but it is flourishing. Tall, full and strong it provides shade to grieving pilgrims and hope for weary mourners. It says, “it’s going to be okay. You’re going to make it.” Without ceremony or arrogance it reminds us that life can go on.

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I spent several minutes under The Survivor Tree. I rested my hand on it’s trunk and thought of all the people I know who are currently struggling to survive various tragedies in their lives. Over and over in my head I heard the words, “beauty from ashes.” The Spirit of God was giving me a vivid image of how He came to redeem death, restore hope and create life. Just like The Survivor Tree, we will live as a testimony to all who see us.

This past year I’ve come to accept suffering. My next goal is to be grateful for it. And maybe one day I will even get to the point of embracing it. And while I am not there yet, I am learning why I need to pray towards that end. Author Ann Voskamp says this:

“We may all want anything other than suffering and ashes. But this is a dust-crushed world and Christ didn’t avoid it but chose to come to it. Why embrace dust and ashes? Because it’s out of dust and ashes, God grows the impossible. Because God exchanges dust and ashes for beauty and miracles and He cares so much that He doesn’t care that it’s not fair. Because God raises whole people out of ashes and He writes mysterious grace in dust, and with Him, dust and spit and muddied things can still help us see.”

And so, surrounded by jars of ashes and my boxes of questions I am learning to look for Jesus amid my sufferings and sorrows. He came to bring comfort and purpose; I must learn to let Him into these heart-closets so that He can do His redemptive work. It’s a step of trust. Of faith. Of vulnerability.

But what do I have to lose? I can’t get anything less than ashes. I believe that these jars of nothingness will be redeemed in God’s perfect time. He is writing mysterious grace in the dust of my life.

“All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us”

–“Beautiful Things” by Gungor

Wake Up From This Winter

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So wake up from this winter

Into the world of all things new
I feel you drawing nearer
Because I know your love is on the move

Three months into my sabbatical, I am happy to report that slowing down is one of the best things I have ever done. This whole summer — and now into fall — I have simplified, eliminated and evaluated much in my life and heart. Lots of reading, writing, talking, thinking, crying and learning.

And God has met me at every turn. Whether it’s been through financial provision that lets me continue my journey or flashes of revelation on a piece of holy ground, I have experienced nothing but the kindness of God. He isn’t the harsh schoolmaster I was expecting. He is a gentle Father, carefully and patiently allowing me to grow at a safe pace.

Instead of running away from pain, I have been learning to see Jesus walking with me in the midst of my suffering. He is the “suffering servant.” He doesn’t wait for me to be whole, He comes to me in my brokenness. That’s the gospel.

Instead of ignoring my questions, I have been learning to wrestle with God and ask Him my why’s and how’s. He is mighty and strong and unshakeable. He can handle my toughest questions and my hardest punches.

Instead of trying to understand God’s plan for my life, I have been learning to surrender my relentless desire for details to a God who knows and cares and loves. If I replace “need to know plans” with “need to know Jesus” then I get what my heart is actually craving. Seek first Jesus, the rest will follow.

Instead of filling my days with “stuff,” I have been learning to sit still and only choose what is best. Which is sometimes sitting on the back porch with a cup of tea and my Bible. Or playing the guitar with a 3 year old. Or sleeping in past 9am. If God has given me this time, I should use it to it’s fullest and not feel guilty about it. Rest. Enjoy. See Jesus.

It’s amazing. And refreshing. And freeing. But I had to slow down to experience it. God knew I needed this time even more than I did. 

Like a eager flower daring to bloom after a long winter, Lydia 2.0 is slowly emerging.

 

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“On The Move” Lyrics and Music by Thomas McGuire. Check out noisetrade.com/thomasmcguire to get this song for free!

 

Waiting Is Not About Getting Answers

Everyone who blogs eventually writes a post about waiting it seems.

But tonight’s post is not an attempt at a brilliant theological treatise. Rather it’s just the late night thoughts of an ordinary person, tapped out on an old Macbook on a dimly lit porch.

We’re all waiting for something.

Boyfriend. Baby. Wife.  Job. Space. Promotion. Grades. Money. Retirement. Car. Healing. Provision. Attention. Success. Care. Opportunity. Recognition. Direction. Knowledge. Understanding. Focus. Freedom. Peace. Death.

In my recent experience, waiting makes me aware of the details. What used to be a happy blur of daily life is now sliced into bite-sized increments of analytical delight. Each word, action, conversation, coincidence is a divine message of some sort. We dissect and pour over each facet.

Half the time, the verdict is “YES! THIS IS CONFIRMATION!” I see the hand of God, can trace the work of the Holy Spirit and receive the comfort of the Savior. This kind of waiting is like following a trail of breadcrumbs.

The other half of the time I just see the space in between the breadcrumbs. My lack and need and desperation scream out in the void, deafening me with their calls of unbelief. I so want the next morsel of truth, of light, of hope. I reach out my hand and grope in the dark, hoping for something true to hold on to.

And you know what? There’s always another breadcrumb. There’s always Jesus, just within reach, holding onto me, making sure I don’t ever fall.

Sometimes I try to figure out the waiting game. But this is impossible. There is no pattern, no rhythm, no guarantee of how long it will last or who we’ll be on the other side. We just wait. Wait for the guidance or the provision or the thing we so desperately need. It can seem like an unsolvable puzzle with constantly changing variables. Our minds go crazy seeking for an answer.

But at the end of the day, we don’t wait for an answer. We wait for GOD HIMSELF.

Our earthly desires are only meant to make us long for the God who created us, they are but lights along a footpath that leads us to our heart’s satisfaction. We crave guidance and safety and love because we long for the Father who provides these things for our soul.

And God always delivers on His promises.

God the Father sent His Son, Jesus, to the earth to be our greatest, deepest, truest provision. We were dead in our sins, hell-bent and self-destructive. We needed to be rescued. So Jesus exchanged His life for ours, letting God punish Him instead. He freed us. He bought us safety. He gave us love. He gave us Himself.

You see, if God met our greatest need, how will He not also meet all of our lesser needs? (Romans 8:32)

But I don’t like waiting for those lesser needs to be fulfilled in God’s timing. It seems so inefficient. Couldn’t we just get marching orders and supplies and be on our way?

Waiting makes me dependent. It saves me from being spiritually clumsy by attempting life on my own terms and with my own limited understanding. If I would just wait for the Lord, I can lean on Him to be everything I need.

Oh that our waiting would make us crave Jesus! Wait for Him, soul. He is the One you desire. And He will come. And you will not be disappointed.

(This song has summed up both my soul’s state and my soul’s prayer many times…)

A Day in the Life of Mary & Martha

Photo by Jon Bolden The house was bustling with the after-lunch clean up. People bumped into each other and laughed as they cleared the table. Dishes were put in the sink, each clank indicating a chime of completion. Someone offered to take the trash out. Soon the sound of chairs sliding across the wooden floor could be heard as the dining room was being rearranged.

Martha smiled. This is what she was made for. She loved the hustle and bustle of having people in her home. Hosting a crowd was not overwhelming to her; she thrived on it. To her, a to-do list was a “prepare to love” list, readying her to extend hospitality and create a safe environment for ministry. She gladly channeled her administrative skills and released her strong, warm personality for days like today.

“We’re about to get started,” said Mary as she walked into the kitchen, almost waltzing from the beauty of the day. She surprised her sister with a dancing hug while exclaiming, “This is the best day ever!” Martha laughed, agreed and playfully pulled out of the embrace.

Their two personalities were on full display today. Mary was whimsical, known for feeling deeply and pursuing life passionately. She found beauty in small things and loved to share the sweetness of the moment with whoever passed by. She was conscientious and gentle, often brightening the room with her laugh and encouragement. Martha was the yin to Mary’s yang. They were best friends in the way that only sisters can be, complementing and accommodating each other perfectly. Together, they were an unstoppable team of strength, beauty, love and good works.

The buzz of conversation died down in the living room. “Oh! He must be starting!” said Mary as her eyes lit up. All the chairs and couches were filled with travelers and guests. Curious neighbors had invited themselves over and were now filling empty spaces along the walls. Mary gracefully picked her way through the crowd, gaze fixed on what seemed to her the best spot in the room. A man offered her his seat, but she politely declined. She wanted to be closer.

Jesus was there, in the white armchair. It had been moved to the corner between the fireplace and the window so that everyone in the room could see him as he spoke. As Jesus began, the group instinctively listened. Mary sat down on the floor at his feet like a child, cross-legged and eager.

Martha smiled at her sister’s boldness and turned back to the stack of dishes still in the sink. She quietly finished cleaning the kitchen, listening to the words of life coming from Jesus. This is what her dry, parched soul needed! Martha turned towards the doorway, looking at the man they just met who was now sitting in her living room. She remembered the immediate care and friendship in his eyes. He saw her for who she was – single, middle-class, capable, bossy and desperate for deep belonging. He smiled and something in her soul resonated. Being near to him, she felt safe. That morning Martha invited this rag-tag team of guys over for lunch and now a peace filled her home, obviously resonating from Jesus himself. She had been waiting her whole life for God to bring Himself near, and this was that day.

She wiped one unbidden tear from her eye and choked back the rest. Now was not the time for a public display of emotion. Mary, however, was not having such hesitations. Tears freely streamed down her cheeks as the Savior spoke of the Father’s love and kindness. Martha loved this tenderness in her sister, but she valued service over sentimentality. She poured cups of coffee and began taking them to her guests. Mary did not want any coffee, but accepted the tissues that Martha discreetly handed her with a knowing smile.

The teaching went on all afternoon. Questions and answers mixed in with historic prophecies and a host of real life applications. Martha started looking at the clock, noticing that dinnertime was fast approaching. Feeling antsy, she got up to make another pot of coffee. How much longer would this go? What will I feed all these people? Mary caught her eye and motioned for her to sit down, but Martha was now beyond the point of being still.

Trying her best to be quiet, Martha stayed in the kitchen planning the menu, checking her supplies and guessing how long Jesus would talk. Her gift to the Lord was to serve him, and so she must. She turned on the oven and put the water on to boil. The dinner to-do list piled up mentally and Martha looked for someone to help her prepare the meal. Mary, being the obvious choice, was still sitting smack in the middle of the room, eyes fixed on Jesus. There was no subtle way to get her attention. Martha looked around the room. No one seemed to notice her frustration growing into panic.

Martha took a deep breath. “Okay, you can do this,” she thought to herself. “If no one else will help, I will serve the Lord by myself.” She tried to listen to the teaching as she worked, but it became hard as her hands got busier and her mind got more distracted. Meat. Bread. Vegetables. Condiments. Drinks. Paper products. Martha could no longer hear the conversation about love, peace and kingdom living. She was in the zone, focused and capable, serving the Lord his dinner. Her service had an agenda and that agenda had expectations. She must not fail.

Somewhere amidst the preparations, the teaching stopped. Martha didn’t even notice until a guy named Peter stuck his head into the kitchen to say that dinner smelled great. Martha barely said, “thank you” before he was gone outside with the other guys. She could hear their laughter through the open kitchen window, a sweet sound of camaraderie and joy. The fresh air was good for them, Martha knew, but couldn’t at least one of them asked to help with dinner preparations? And where was Mary? Didn’t she agree to help with this whole event? Why does it always turn out this way? Why am I always the one sacrificing? Martha began to mutter to herself as she perfected her seasonings and sauces.

There were still two voices talking in the living room. Martha stopped moving long enough to hear her sister pouring out her heart to Jesus, looking to him for answers and understanding. She loved Mary but was this really the time? Hadn’t she been sitting at his feet all afternoon? Didn’t she know that there was important work that had to be done right now?

The more Martha built her case in her mind, the less it became about the dinner. This was about timing, duty, responsibility, service and excellence after all. There is an agenda! There are expectations! Martha stood on her moral high ground and looked down at her sister, the attitude of joyful service long abandoned to the crusade of righteous indignation. And in a flash of convinced rightness, Martha dried her hands on her apron and walked decidedly towards Jesus and Mary.

“Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” said Martha confidently. “Tell her to help me.”

Jesus looked up and locked eyes with Martha. It was that same look from before, the look that understood her soul. She stopped a few feet from his chair. All she could hear was the clock ticking and her heart beating. She looked at her feet, awkwardly waiting for an answer.

Mary’s face fell, realizing the trouble she caused her sister and also the uncomfortable situation they now found themselves. Surely Jesus would chastise her for being unhelpful. She never meant to hurt or abandon Martha. She simply got lost in the wonder of her newfound freedom. Jesus was everything to her now, and she lost track of all the other distractions and demands of the world.

Martha’s words still rang in the air with a harsh tone of accusation, both towards the Lord and towards Mary. But instead of answering Martha’s question, Jesus answered Martha’s soul.

“Martha,” he said gently. She looked up. “Martha,” he said again. “You are worried and distracted by much serving.”

She nodded.

“But only one thing is necessary,” he continued. “Mary has chosen the best thing, which will not be taken away from her.”

A tear slipped down Martha’s cheek, one that she did not try to wipe away. She felt the pang of conviction that both pained and freed her. In her fervor for service, she had let it control her. In all honesty, sometimes it was her escape from reality, her excuse from being vulnerable. She had gifts of great worth for good purposes, but she had let the gifts outdo the Giver. Her moment of crisis revealed her identity was in the service, not in the One she served.

“Mary… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Martha twisted her hands as Mary’s tear-filled eyes spoke forgiveness and love. Martha then looked into the eyes of Jesus. There was no condemnation, no punishment. Just an unspoken invitation to rest and to stop trying to earn his favor through her hard work. A soul-weary Martha smiled and let another tear escape.

There was no need for further words between them. Mary’s eyes gleamed as she quickly stood up and waltzed into the kitchen to finish the dinner. Martha simply sat down at the feet of Jesus and was in no hurry to get up.

Saying Goodbye

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There are a lot of goodbyes in life.

Family. Friends. Bosses. Students. Children.
Dreams. Ideas. Opportunities.
Things you expected. Things you didn’t.

I’ve said a lot of those goodbyes in the past five years. Friends died of cancer. Some friends died in traumatic accidents. People in my church left bitter and broken. Those who stayed in my church have lost much. Friends have moved away. Friends have walked away. The deep sorrow of miscarriages. The deep horror of divorce. Suffering. Sacrifice. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Unexpected pain. My heart has been water-logged for all the brokenness in the world that I have seen, experienced and absorbed.

And then there are the goodbyes that you choose. Like leaving a job you love after eight years of fruitful ministry. And why leave? Because God so clearly said it’s time. It’s time to go, to grow, to do the next thing. To leave what has been hard, but familiar. It’s time to stretch out my eyes to the horizon and see the “grandeur of the grander scheme unfolding.”

Unfolding.
New life. New beginnings. All things new.

There’s a gaudy blue butterfly on my 2013 journal because it’s the symbol of this year. Miracles. Transformation. New beginnings. Unfolding. I didn’t want to buy that journal, much like I didn’t want to walk into the unknown.

But if Jesus is my life, I lose nothing by altering my earthly circumstances.
If Jesus is my life, I retain what is unchanging no matter how hard the goodbyes.
If Jesus is my life, I can face any challenge knowing that He will Shepherd my steps.
If Jesus is my life, it’s all going to be okay.

Now, here I am. Raising an “ebenezer.” A memorial. Taking a moment to commemorate the changing of seasons from something familiar to something entirely new. This summer I will be taking significant time off from life to travel, write, read and tend my soul. The overflow that will be here on this blog.

So, here’s another round of goodbyes. To interns, colleagues, friends, classes, events, teams, binders, maps, lists, files and half-completed ideas. To what has been a beautiful place where I have grown, loved, learned, spent and changed. And here’s to the next beautiful place, which will be full of good things.

“Just like the sunshine You have been our light
Leading us into beautiful places
We’ve walked through fire but You make us brighter
Leading us into beautiful places

Faithful Jesus, healing Savior
Compass, center, bread of life
Faithful Jesus, cherished treasure
Our portion, wisdom, God’s great light

My God you are here with us
Constantly here with us
You are our everything
Faithful and true”

–Charlie Hall, “Constant”