Be Thou My Battle Shield

Some weeks seem filled with battles. A series of attacks and lies and distractions which are aimed at getting your eyes off Jesus. It’s these weeks where we don’t even notice the subtle, relentless chipping away of our faith.

The Enemy works to get me to doubt God just a little bit… to put my trust in myself just for a few minutes… to believe just the smallest piece of the lie.

And let’s be real: I am not as good at fighting as I think I am.

When it comes to finances, relationships and identity, I am an easy target. The Enemy always paints current circumstances against past failures, making me look at the catalog of my sins each time. It’s a cruel history lesson that somehow I believe should be watched over and over. He disables me not with an armory of weapons, but with elementary school flash cards. “Remember this time?” … “Oh, and this looks familiar”… “Now here’s a good one”…

There have been a lot of flash cards this week. A lot of reminders of past pains, failures and losses.

So here I am. Back on this battleground where I am called to fight for the focus of my heart and purpose of my faith. Sometimes we must call in a D-Day invasion of spiritual weapons and tools.

But today it’s subtle, it’s focused, it’s quieter than you might think. It’s crafty, intense, ninja-like warfare.

My heart needs to know that I am not alone, that I am not a prisoner of my past, that God is who he says He is. And so I choose these weapons to help me fight:

Jesus succeeded so I am free to fail. His life, death and resurrection has already secured victory for me. I could never, ever have fought this on my own, so out of His great love He went ahead and just won it all outright.

“The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)

“For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?
The God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.
He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.
He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have given me the shield of your salvation and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip.” (Psalm 18:31-36)

“Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called.” (1 Timothy 6:11-12)

Today I choose truth. I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Jesus … to help me choose all these other things. God fights for me. He is my rock, my shelter, my only hope for victory. God wins.

“Be Thou my battle shield, my sword for the fight
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight
Thou my soul’s shelter and Thou my high tower
Raise Thou me heavenward, O power of my power”

Waiting Is Not About Getting Answers

Everyone who blogs eventually writes a post about waiting it seems.

But tonight’s post is not an attempt at a brilliant theological treatise. Rather it’s just the late night thoughts of an ordinary person, tapped out on an old Macbook on a dimly lit porch.

We’re all waiting for something.

Boyfriend. Baby. Wife. Job. Space. Promotion. Grades. Money. Retirement. Car. Healing. Provision. Attention. Success. Care. Opportunity. Recognition. Direction. Knowledge. Understanding. Focus. Freedom. Peace. Death.

In my recent experience, waiting makes me aware of the details. What used to be a happy blur of daily life is now sliced into bite-sized increments of analytical delight. Each word, action, conversation, coincidence is a divine message of some sort. We dissect and pour over each facet.

Half the time, the verdict is “YES! THIS IS CONFIRMATION!” I see the hand of God, can trace the work of the Holy Spirit and receive the comfort of the Savior. This kind of waiting is like following a trail of breadcrumbs.

The other half of the time I just see the space in between the breadcrumbs. My lack and need and desperation scream out in the void, deafening me with their calls of unbelief. I so want the next morsel of truth, of light, of hope. I reach out my hand and grope in the dark, hoping for something true to hold on to.

And you know what? There’s always another breadcrumb. There’s always Jesus, just within reach, holding onto me, making sure I don’t ever fall.

Sometimes I try to figure out the waiting game. But this is impossible. There is no pattern, no rhythm, no guarantee of how long it will last or who we’ll be on the other side. We just wait. Wait for the guidance or the provision or the thing we so desperately need. It can seem like an unsolvable puzzle with constantly changing variables. Our minds go crazy seeking for an answer.

But at the end of the day, we don’t wait for an answer. We wait for GOD HIMSELF.

Our earthly desires are only meant to make us long for the God who created us, they are but lights along a footpath that leads us to our heart’s satisfaction. We crave guidance and safety and love because we long for the Father who provides these things for our soul.

And God always delivers on His promises.

God the Father sent His Son, Jesus, to the earth to be our greatest, deepest, truest provision. We were dead in our sins, hell-bent and self-destructive. We needed to be rescued. So Jesus exchanged His life for ours, letting God punish Him instead. He freed us. He bought us safety. He gave us love. He gave us Himself.

You see, if God met our greatest need, how will He not also meet all of our lesser needs? (Romans 8:32)

But I don’t like waiting for those lesser needs to be fulfilled in God’s timing. It seems so inefficient. Couldn’t we just get marching orders and supplies and be on our way?

Waiting makes me dependent. It saves me from being spiritually clumsy by attempting life on my own terms and with my own limited understanding. If I would just wait for the Lord, I can lean on Him to be everything I need.

Oh that our waiting would make us crave Jesus! Wait for Him, soul. He is the One you desire. And He will come. And you will not be disappointed.

(This song has summed up both my soul’s state and my soul’s prayer many times…)

#43days Wasn’t Enough

I was home four days (count’em four) and was keeping in the spirit of my sabbatical by taking significant time to rest and study. I had lunch with my parents. I lay under the stars with Stephanie. I played guitar with the Campbell boys. I failed and then rescued a new recipe. I spent a morning reading about Elijah and Elisha (crazy stuff, btw.) And I played cowgirls with Lucy and Jude where we were on the hunt for the Dread Pirate Roberts.

And now, I’m back on a plane. Heading across the country to Oregon for a conference. Back to the city where I just was a few weeks ago. I guess #43days wasn’t enough for God!

I pulled out my journal and the Lord began to reveal, speak, impart, breathe. It seems that God often speaks to me on planes. Maybe it’s the sitting still or the lack of distractions that makes me a captive audience.

Exactly one week ago I was battling – really fighting – for my faith. I was hearing promises of God but they were bouncing off, unaffective. I could feel my heart growing hard and closed, as if ice were starting to form. That cold, damp, death-like crawl had the stench of Satan. He was trying to block hope and peace and freedom from truly taking root. He was breathing icy lies in an attempt to freeze my heart.

Why can’t I believe these promises? What is keeping me from praying in faith? Why don’t I accept that these blessings from God could be for me? Why do I doubt His goodness? What is wrong with me?

I recalled a quote from a Mark Driscoll sermon in which he said, “Does life ever seem like a freaking war? That’s because IT’S A FREAKING WAR!”

I pulled my car over on a Texas road and texted a few prayer-warrior friends to ask them to pray. Several replied with written prayers within minutes. One called me within seconds. I cried and asked God to fight for me since I could think clearly enough to do battle for my own heart. God met me that day. He calmed my heart and thwarted Satan’s advances.

But it wasn’t until today – on the plane – that I received the hope I have been asking for. You see, God isn’t interested in dispensing blessings like a gumball machine. He wants me to seek Him and to find Him and to learn Him and to love Him and to know Him. This whole thing is about a relationship with HIM, not just getting answers for my future.

I went looking for God’s promises in the book of Isaiah, which is where I found this beautiful verse…

“He will be the stability of your times,
abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.” (Isaiah 33:5)

Then I wrote down this promise God gave me earlier this spring…

“Even to your old age I am he and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made and I will bear; I will carry and I will save.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed and I will do it.” (Isaiah 46:4, 11)

And then it clicked. I think I even smiled in my window seat.

Yet again, this is about GOD. This is not about my ability to understand. Or my capacity to believe. Or my faith level in asking for big things. It has nothing to do with me, actually. It has ONLY and EVERYTHING to do with God.

Matthew preached out of Isaiah 49 this morning at church. I flipped back a few pages in my journal to review the notes. Four promises. Heh. Promises. There’s that word I’ve been struggling with. But all of a sudden, there is hope and life and freedom in the thought instead of paralyzing fear.

Promise #1: I love you
Promise #2: I am at work in your life
Promise #3: Your weakness is a stage for My power
Promise #4: Nothing is impossible for Me

Honestly? Those four promises sum up the progression of my spiritual walk this past year. I have learned each lesson individually but never expected them to come together. God can be trusted because He is who He says He is.

He makes the deals; He keeps the deals. It’s all on Him.

And that’s the beauty and good news of the gospel. I can trust God’s promises but not because I have proven myself to be worthy, smart or godly. No matter what I’ve done, (good or bad) God loves me on the basis of Jesus. And Jesus has perfectly pleased God the Father on my behalf. I bring nothing to the bargaining table but empty hands and a broken spirit.

The Father smiles and says, “Perfect. That’s exactly what I was waiting for.”

Rinse, Massage, Repeat

A friend texted me yesterday and asked how I was feeling spiritually. I took a breath, thought for a moment and then replied with:

“I’m feeling…like God is rinsing away my moralism and massaging out my tense response to suffering. The gospel is the answer to both and I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with my need for a fresh, clear understanding. So it’s good — really good.”

And there it was. The summary of my heart in 241 characters.

I expected God to powerwash my heart on this trip. To blast away grime and filth and deep issues. And while He reserves the right to do so, my experience has been very different. He has gently rinsed. Steady, continual, loving, gentle. He sees that my heart is caked with bad habits, worldly lies and a stubborn works mentality towards God. But instead of the power of a fire hydrant, God is using the kind gurgle of a garden hose.

Rinse. Be washed in the water of His word. Sit. Soak. Absorb. Abide.
Rinse. Let the dirt run off. Let the gospel free me from my efforts to earn favor.
Rinse. Receive the love and care of the Shepherd.
Rinse. Let the dry cracks of my soul be healed.
Rinse. Allow my weary spirit to sit under the flow of Life and Truth and Peace.
Rinse. Release my strivings and efforts and let Jesus be my everything.

And then comes the massage. A direct hit on the topic of suffering. Oh, those tight muscles in my heart and knots in my soul that I didn’t even realize was there. The questions, the pain, the brokenness, the things I just don’t understand. The things I cannot fix. I realized that I’ve been clenching my teeth and holding my breath, trying to just survive in the crashing waves of grief all around me. I’ve been reading about the gospel and learning to apply it’s truth to suffering.

Massage. Feel the pressure in sensitive spots and believe it’s good pain.
Massage. Work out the knots of unbelief and tension of self-atonement.
Massage. Let the truth of the gospel help me see the suffering Savior.
Massage. Release my controlled emotions and be honest about my pain.
Massage. Abandon the familiar pain in order to receive reprieve and comfort.
Massage. Close my eyes and trust the One who sees the fibers of my being.
Massage. Be free. See God’s heart. See God’s love. Trust His hand.

God, who is rich in mercy, has been pursuing my heart. He has been showing me how I can trust myself less and trust Jesus more. Showing me how I’ve let moralism and suffering fill the crevices of my heart, taking root and choking out the fresh water of grace. Oh, how I need fresh water. My heart has grown stagnant as I’ve tried to swim in my brokenness and then pull myself out by my own understanding.

“He sent from on high, he took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He brought me out into a broad place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me.” (Psalm 18: 16,19)

Oh, how the gospel changes everything! When I see my NEED for a Savior I can then SEE the Savior and how gloriously He has met all my needs.

The gospel is fresh water, rinsing off my legalistic moralism. It frees me from having to understand, earn, achieve, create or fulfill my own set of tasks. Moralism is a cheater, a thief, a liar. It adds weight to my load and guilt to my conscience. It tells me I must prove myself and help God with my sanctification. It steals my joy because I walk in fear of failure. But the gospel says that Jesus did it all and that I am safe and secure in HIS achievement.

Let living water satisfy
The thirsty without price
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
All glory be to Christ

The gospel is a strong massage, reaching into the deep tissue of my soul and giving me perspective amidst suffering. It tells me that pain is real and that Jesus understands. It tells me that God is bigger. It tells me that God cares. It tells me that there will be redemption. It tells me that God sent His own Son to intercept my deepest suffering and bring me hope.

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak… God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:3-8)

GOSPEL HOPE does not disappoint. Jesus died to give us hope. His work is finished. His work is secure. The hope He gives is secure. I have hope amidst “many waters” because He rescued me. And He rescued me because He delighted in me.

Rinse.
Massage.
Repeat.

Lessons From Oregon

The Willamette Valley in Oregon is easily one of the most peaceful and breathtaking places God created. The rolling hills paint a bluish-green border around the city, highlighted by a handful of brilliant, snow-capped peaks. Everywhere you look there are fir trees, roses, wildflowers and gardens. Wheat whitens and berry bushes offer themselves under the golden sun.

Oregon is the place is where summer becomes a bride, fully arrayed in her best and beautiful hues, making all things lovely as she dances and twirls and sings. She makes the simple moments glitter with sweetness and meaning. My favorite memories these three weeks happened while sitting on back decks, standing on tops of hills, sharing over meals, riding in cars, chatting at cafes and gazing at stars.

In both the busyness and the quiet of these past three weeks, God spoke to me. He used conversations, sermons and personal study to fill my heart with His truth. Simple, golden, sweet – just like an Oregon summer.

Here are some of the truths that I have been pondering:

1) The gospel is still the main thing – No matter what else I learn or hear or say, the gospel is what I always, always, always need. The gospel – the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ – is what frees me from sin, fear of man and isolation. The gospel informs my decisions, my suffering, my future and my identity. Without it’s defining, unalterable truths, I would be lost in my own twisted understandings.

2) God will speak when it’s time – Just as He sent the ravens to feed Elijah, God will provide morsels of truth when I need them. I need not worry or strive. They will come.

3) God is jealous for me – He wants my first, my best, my all and He is willing to pursue my life and alter my circumstances in order to draw me to Himself. What would happen if I directed all of my energies into the one relationship that mattered most?

4) God gives guidance as we move – The Shepherd is always guiding and leading; it’s His initiative and His commitment. My role is to rise and go, walking in what I know to be true and trusting His hand to guide me as I move. I can rest in His character, taking my time in each phase because I know that He will get me where He wants me to go.

5) God redeems pain – Our world is full of broken, cheating, lying, selfish, sick, grieving, angry, uncontrollable people. But there in the midst of the sorrow and wreckage, you’ll find Jesus, our sympathizer and caretaker. He is restoring what has been damaged, healing what has been broken, redeeming what has been lost.

6) God will root out spiritual pride — Our theology or experience can make us proud and blind. How easy it is to hold our freedoms, knowledge or understandings over one another as the banner implanted on the moral high ground. God is in the process of purifying His church. “True church reform doesn’t add layers but rather removes them in order to reveal the original foundation underneath. While false teachers add doctrine and complications, Jesus is rinsing His church off with His word, making the truth about Himself simple and clear.” (Gregg Harris)

I am halfway through my sabbatical. Three weeks down, three weeks to go. I’m amazed at all the adventures and lessons that can be packed into such a short amount of time. Please be praying for me as I continue to rest, wait, seek and learn.

P.S. Feel free to track my travels via photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!

Into Beautiful Places

Tag Archives: Gospel