Three years ago today I was wrapping up a studio session with Mitchell, Zac and Clayton in Branson, MO for the TeenPact RENEWAL album. Impulsively, we decided to record the song, “Beautiful” by Phil Wickham. It was a whim, really. A spontaneous, compelling urge to lay down the tracks in our few remaining hours together. You can listen here to what we created.

Little did we know that half way across the country our friend Jimmy Brazell was about to sing this song as he lead worship for the last time on earth. The sun would rise over the Montana mountains on Jimmy’s last day and he would sing this prayer, this plea, this declaration.

For those of us who knew Jimmy and the team of people who were with him that day, this song has become a sacred hymn. We are reminded both of the friend we lost and the God he loved.

To be honest, sometimes I can’t bring myself to listen to this song. “Eh…not right now,” I think. But last night it came on my iPod as I pulled into my apartment parking lot. And this time I decided to sit and listen. As expected, the song evoked many thoughts and emotions. I heard voices and saw faces and replayed conversations. There is still much to grieve, much to ponder and much to grow in my understanding.

This song is an enigma to me. In just 4 minutes and 48 seconds my heart experiences the full gamut of being sad, pensive, nostalgic, angry, amazed, overwhelmed, grateful, guilty and hopeful. It is both a trigger and a trophy. And unless you walked through those difficult days/weeks/months too, it is hard to fully understand. Like so many, the year following July 31, 2011 shook me, scarred me, defined me, transformed me.

But I am really, really grateful that we recorded this song. It is precious to me — for who and what and when it represents.

So, three years later, I freshly dedicate this song to my friend, Jimmy, and the entire Brazell family who have become a permanent part of my heart.

“When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful”