I was home four days (count’em four) and was keeping in the spirit of my sabbatical by taking significant time to rest and study. I had lunch with my parents. I lay under the stars with Stephanie. I played guitar with the Campbell boys. I failed and then rescued a new recipe. I spent a morning reading about Elijah and Elisha (crazy stuff, btw.) And I played cowgirls with Lucy and Jude where we were on the hunt for the Dread Pirate Roberts.

And now, I’m back on a plane. Heading across the country to Oregon for a conference. Back to the city where I just was a few weeks ago. I guess #43days wasn’t enough for God!

I pulled out my journal and the Lord began to reveal, speak, impart, breathe. It seems that God often speaks to me on planes. Maybe it’s the sitting still or the lack of distractions that makes me a captive audience.

Exactly one week ago I was battling – really fighting – for my faith. I was hearing promises of God but they were bouncing off, unaffective. I could feel my heart growing hard and closed, as if ice were starting to form. That cold, damp, death-like crawl had the stench of Satan. He was trying to block hope and peace and freedom from truly taking root. He was breathing icy lies in an attempt to freeze my heart.

Why can’t I believe these promises? What is keeping me from praying in faith? Why don’t I accept that these blessings from God could be for me? Why do I doubt His goodness? What is wrong with me?

I recalled a quote from a Mark Driscoll sermon in which he said, “Does life ever seem like a freaking war? That’s because IT’S A FREAKING WAR!”

I pulled my car over on a Texas road and texted a few prayer-warrior friends to ask them to pray. Several replied with written prayers within minutes. One called me within seconds. I cried and asked God to fight for me since I could think clearly enough to do battle for my own heart. God met me that day. He calmed my heart and thwarted Satan’s advances. 

But it wasn’t until today – on the plane – that I received the hope I have been asking for. You see, God isn’t interested in dispensing blessings like a gumball machine. He wants me to seek Him and to find Him and to learn Him and to love Him and to know Him. This whole thing is about a relationship with HIM, not just getting answers for my future.

I went looking for God’s promises in the book of Isaiah, which is where I found this beautiful verse…

 “He will be the stability of your times,
abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.”   (Isaiah 33:5)

Then I wrote down this promise God gave me earlier this spring… 

“Even to your old age I am he and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made and I will bear; I will carry and I will save.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed and I will do it.” (Isaiah 46:4, 11)

And then it clicked. I think I even smiled in my window seat.

Yet again, this is about GOD. This is not about my ability to understand. Or my capacity to believe. Or my faith level in asking for big things. It has nothing to do with me, actually. It has ONLY and EVERYTHING to do with God.

Matthew preached out of Isaiah 49 this morning at church. I flipped back a few pages in my journal to review the notes. Four promises. Heh. Promises. There’s that word I’ve been struggling with. But all of a sudden, there is hope and life and freedom in the thought instead of paralyzing fear.

Promise #1: I love you
Promise #2: I am at work in your life
Promise #3: Your weakness is a stage for My power
Promise #4: Nothing is impossible for Me

Honestly? Those four promises sum up the progression of my spiritual walk this past year. I have learned each lesson individually but never expected them to come together. God can be trusted because He is who He says He is.

He makes the deals; He keeps the deals. It’s all on Him.

And that’s the beauty and good news of the gospel. I can trust God’s promises but not because I have proven myself to be worthy, smart or godly. No matter what I’ve done, (good or bad) God loves me on the basis of Jesus. And Jesus has perfectly pleased God the Father on my behalf. I bring nothing to the bargaining table but empty hands and a broken spirit.

The Father smiles and says, “Perfect. That’s exactly what I was waiting for.”